The last few weeks have been met with sleepless nights. My daughter is in this phase where she gets up in the middle of night singing, talking to her stuffed animals and just all together being a toddler. Now, I wasn't prepared for this phase of life; however, I don't think anything can prepare you for this monster trapped in the itty bitty body of cuteness. She often makes me feel like a bad mother just by being a toddler.
On Thanksgiving, she decided that she would hit me in the face for the first time - in front of my entire family. I was in shock so I just stared at her in disbelief. My dad spanked her hand, which doesn't even provoke much of a reaction except an angry yell, followed by a whimper that leads up to another hit the face for mommy. The second hit sort of shook me from my mannequin pose and told her, "No, no!" That actually affected her quite a bit more. She cried, in fact. On Thanksgiving, in front of all of my family, while still in my arms. It was all a bit traumatic for me. Because you see, I was almost at the point of tears as she cried because of two things:
1. I HATE when my daughter cries. I have this weird empathetic thing where my heart literally (ok, figuratively) breaks into pieces as her face crumples up. Since I was already holding her when I scolded her, I let her put her head on my shoulder and cry, while I rocked her back and forth.
2. My family made sounds with their tongues that sounded like, "Tsk!" followed by exasperated sighs. It was as if they were saying, "Ok, here in lies the problem. She's spoiled." And no, I do not spoil her. I do not think I spend nearly enough time with my daughter to spoil her, but she finds me as a source of comfort, and who am I to deny her that comfort?
Ok, she's a little spoiled. But up to this point, she hasn't really done too much that warrants a serious punishment. Hitting people in the face sort of draws the line for me. I'm a new mom, so I'm trying to figure it all out. Spanking clearly doesn't work with my daughter (and hitting a child for hitting just doesn't make sense). Scolding on the other hand...but I have to put my heart into it. Put a twinge of hot sauce into the words. And then comes the hard part...watching her cry and not picking her up to make it all better.
This brings me back to the nights without sleep. As a working momma, I don't feel as though the time with her is ever enough. She is sprouting up in front of me so quickly I can't keep up. And I plague myself with guilt for not "being there" more. She hasn't starting really speaking yet, and I blame myself. She throws a tantrum, and I blame myself. She wakes up in the middle of the night and I send my husband to take care of it, and I blame myself. So I stay awake in the middle of the night anyway, as the guilt eats away at my precious sleep.
I wrote a blog the other day called, "How Does She Do It?" This message has been resonating in my mind lately as I drag my pathetically exhausted body into the door after work, and sit on the couch after dinner until baby's bedtime. These are missed opportunities. To do what? I don't know. So I thought about it.
I could be playing on the floor with my daughter, teaching her to build blocks, reading her a book. These are my moments with her, that if spent wisely, could keep me from feeling guilty when I want to stay late at work or think about developing myself more professionally. I've let ONE ROLE define me this past year and a half.
I love love love my daughter. And the best moment of my life was breastfeeding her for the first time. She is my heaven and earth. But cannot be my entire life. And I shouldn't feel guilty for that.
There has been this struggle within me to be a perfect mom, while battling this desire to have a growing career.
I am reading a book called "Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes. She alludes to this speech she gives at Dartmouth so I decided to find it on YouTube and watch it. Shonda decided to take an entire year of saying "Yes" to whatever opportunity that came her way. As a writer for hit dramas like Grey's Anatomy and Scandal, she was certainly busy. But what people don't know is that she is a mother of three girls. Two of them were around the toddler age when she wrote the book and gave her speech at Dartmouth.
She said something that truly resonated with my heart. Yesterday, I stayed an hour late at work for a meeting I wanted to attend. I felt guilty choosing to stay at work late when I could be with my family. Finally, I just said "yes" and did it. And I'm glad I did. But I was still guilty.
Walking through campus this afternoon, I listened to the speech on my phone. I almost began crying as I listened to the words written below:
"...as a very successful woman, a single mother of three, who constantly gets asked the question 'How do you do it all?' For once I am going to answer that question with 100 percent honesty here for you now. Because it's just us. Because it's our fireside chat. Because somebody has to tell you the truth.
Shonda, how do you do it all?
The answer is this: I don't.
Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life...Something is always missing. And yet. I want my daughters to see me and know me as a woman who works. I want that example set for them. Lesson Number Three is that anyone who tells you they are doing it all perfectly is a liar."
Something is always missing. That truth hit me in the gut like a rocket. But knowing that it was ok, that her daughters are proud of their mother, that their mother often sacrifices work opportunities to be with them, and it is just this great balancing act where nothing is ever actually balanced at one time, was just a relief. It was such a liberating joy that I wanted to sob from happiness. I could have it all but just not all in one moment. I can be a good mother and I can be a great professional and it is OKAY to not have it all together all the time. But I will still DO. I will say yes to opportunities that come my way and stop feeling guilty. What is the point in that? I can be a woman my daughter is proud of and example to show her that she can pursue dreams, help others and have a family. And while she may never do everything perfectly all the time, it is the actual act of doing that makes a difference.
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