Fix Your Face

God gave me the gift of expression. In other words, I am ridiculously expressive. It shows on my face, it comes out of mouth, it flows from my hands. It is sometimes uncontrollable, although I am slowly getting mastery over my body and face. It's a process.

However, I was just made aware of an odd idiosyncrasy of mine. It was first pointed out by a student, then by a co-worker. When I am listening, really intently, my face becomes entirely intense. Intense to the point of disapproving or angry. My eyes narrow and the corners of my mouth tense.

Now, I know it is because I am thinking. The person speaking to me thinks otherwise. In the case of the student, they believed they upset me somehow or said something wrong. In the case of my co-worker, they wondered if I understood them or if they were completely off-base. And I am there - but really not - chasing my thoughts into action. I am always a step ahead, considering how this could work, how to phrase my question, or how we could make it happen. I am with them, but perhaps, maybe, I really am not.

It was brought up in conversation today. My co-worker said it is unnerving because it is so unlike the way that I typically express myself when I am speaking (i.e. arms flailing, booming laughter, raised eyebrows, etc.). And I couldn't help but wonder, how long has this miscommunication been happening?

I am an intense person, there is no doubt about that. No miscommunication there. But while I am listening, usually excitedly, they think I am disengaged or angry. I am typically very self-aware, but found myself at a loss for words (for once). I couldn't explain it away, because it was true. Perhaps, in a way, I was disengaged. I wasn't "in the moment" or walking beside them. I was ten steps ahead, gears grinding.

So here is a challenge to myself. 1) Fix your face. Be more aware of what my face is telling people while they speak. Let my interest show through a smile or a nod, and let my eyes soften and focus, instead of gazing into the distance. 2) Think "present". Don't venture ahead trying to fix things. Be on the journey with the speaker and let change or ideation occur in unison.

Being capable of self-awareness is pointless if it only goes as far as reflection and acceptance. I want it to sink in, take roots, and grow change. And I want to be engaged enough to learn from others, and to learn with others.